


Moving Forward

by Sairyn



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Marvey Fic Challenges, Pining, Poor Harvey, Realization, Regret, all the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 16:46:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6965002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sairyn/pseuds/Sairyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harvey is lost- he never thought it would come to this. Never once believed Mike would be taken from him. But today he watched Mike walk into prison and he has no idea what to do next. Working your way through grief can be painful. Losing someone you love even more painful. But the worst part of all this, is Harvey realizing it was ultimately his fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Harvey walks through the door of his condo drops his keys on the nearby table and hangs up his coat. _This is not happening. I know this is not happening_ , he thinks. He walks to his mini bar and pours a generous serving of whiskey. No sooner than the amber liquid splashes haphazardly in the glass he brings it up to his lips and swallows it down. Its familiar burn barely registers in his conscious mind because it is occupied; busy telling him all the reasons this is not his new fate. He did not just watch Mike walk away from him, and into prison. Harvey just knows he's going to wake up and realize that the last several weeks were nothing more than a nightmare. He will show up at work / at the firm tomorrow and there will be cases to win, a legacy to grow and Mike will be at his desk, no scratch that, at his side while they Batman and Robin all over the damn city. _This_ is nothing more than a hiccup, someone’s idea of a cruel joke. But then he sees it, sitting ominously on his desk. Its red light blinking at him, screaming silently. _No_ , he refuses to acknowledge it. Instead he opts for taking the bottle and his now empty glass out onto the patio. It's still grey outside, the clouds covering up the light. Although truth be told, it wouldn't matter what it looked like. The sun, _his_ sun, is now shut up away from the world; away from him. Harvey sits down on one of the chairs and refills his glass. He refuses to feel. Denial is wrapping him up like a security blanket and he wants to wallow in it for as long as the outside world will let him.

_“I never thought in a million years I would meet someone dumb enough to go to prison for me.”_

His words taunt him, reminding him of what a coward he truly is. Harvey doesn't know how long he sits out there. His skin is prickly and he knows he should be cold, but all he can feel is heat; heat that has clawed its way up from his soul. He is awakened from his stupor by a pounding at his door. The empty bottle lies at his feet as he takes in the twilight sky. The pounding gets louder as his consciousness returns. _Fuck whoever it is. And fuck the entire universe_. He wants to forget why he is here. The pounding stops, the universe is answering his prayer, or so he believes. It’s hours later when he feels a hand on his shoulder shaking him awake. Night has fallen.

***

“Harvey! I have been calling you. Are you okay?”

He wakes up once again and sees Donna standing above him. Harvey doesn’t want her worry, her concern. He needs something else right now. Fueled by liquid courage he lashes out.

“Am I okay?” His voice slurs. “Why the fuck do you care? It's not like _I’m_ the one that is sitting in a jail cell. Maybe if you had done what I asked, we wouldn't be here. You ever think of that, Donna?” Harvey yells.

Donna cocks her head before speaking. “First off, you’re drunk, and this has been a shitty day, so I am going to be gracious and let that comment go. Secondly, you should've known from the moment you hired him this could happen and you should have been prepared. How did you think it would end, Harvey?”

“Not like this! Never like this! He was supposed to…,” he pauses then, unsure of his next words. He gets up and walks past her, back inside. She follows, her heels clicking loudly on the tiles.

“Supposed to what, Harvey? Be a fake lawyer for the rest of his life?”

Harvey notices she doesn't bring up that time he was off being an investment banker. Mike was living a life that was honest back then, legal; a life that wouldn't have landed him in jail. But no, Harvey had to fight for him, find a reason, any reason to bring him back so Butch and Sundance could ride together again. He glances at the blinking light, but quickly turns away. Harvey grabs another bottle and pulls out a fresh glass having left his somewhere outside.

“It's my goddamn fault!”

“You bet your ass it is!” She yells back. “You were so busy hiding your feelings behind the two of you working together, that you never dealt with the real reason you couldn't let him go and why it hurts so much now. Well, it's time to start dealing with it.” She snatches the bottle from his hand.

“Donna,” he warns.

“Everyone is gone, Harvey. The firm is in shambles. You can't save him, but you can help save yourself and the rest of us. We are your family too, ” she says softly. Donna places the bottle onto the counter and turns towards the door.

“We need you, Harvey, just as much as he does.”

Harvey hears the click of the door falling shut and reaches for the bottle again. In his line of sight he sees the blinking red light. It taunts him, dares him to not ignore it. Harvey hurls the bottle towards it, missing badly. The bottle shatters with a crash against the wall, its contents drip slowly towards the carpet. _Fuck_. There are glass shards scattered across the floor and the smell of his expensive whiskey is starting to permeate the air. Harvey knows he should feel something, maybe even clean it up, but at the moment he just can't seem to make himself care. Instead, he stomps into his bedroom and shuts the door.

***

Morning comes with a glare and a curse. Harvey walks into his ensuite, his head swimming with residual alcohol and regrets.

_“Give me permission to go.”_

Those words spoken years ago come back up his throat and sting his eyes. The sweet and sour taste of bile and self loathing coats his tongue. Harvey reaches out to grab the sink as the room seems to tilt and sway. Unable to stop the tide of emotions, Harvey rushes over to the toilet and empties the contents of his stomach. When there is nothing left, he falls to his knees, breathing heavy. He moves a bit to lean against the tub, content on examining his life on the floor of his bathroom.

“Why couldn't I just let him go?” Harvey's voice is soft, defeated. Of course he knows the answer, he has known for a while. Somewhere between saving the world and saving each other, Harvey fell for Mike. But that was a truth Harvey chose to deny and ignore. That is, until Mike told him he was leaving the firm. Then that inconvenient truth came rushing back at him like a firm punch in the gut. It made Harvey angry, made him fight harder to get Mike back. And when he did, when Harvey once again had Mike by his side, he did what he always did when it came to dealing with ‘feelings’; he dismissed them.

_“Even knowing how it all turned out, I'd do it again.”_

That's what Mike had said. Harvey remembers telling Mike how he would too. But today, under the glare of this emptiness, he knows he would give anything to start over; anything to make a different choice. Harvey gets up from the floor and turns on the shower, hoping hot water will wash away his feelings of regret.

 ***

_Please don't hurt me, please...No! Harvey help me!_

“Mike!,” he screams.

Harvey wakes with a start, Mike’s name still on his lips. His body is twisted in the sheets and a fine layer of sweat covers his skin. This is not the first time he has awaken to the sound of his own screams. It's been two weeks since that day, that moment, when his new reality thrusts itself into existence. Sleep brings with it nightmares, vivid pictures of Mike surrounded by faceless men. Harvey takes a few deep breaths trying to slow the pounding of his heart. He gets out of bed, showers and dresses. He spares a few moments in front of the mirror. The reflection that stares back at him is the one of a stranger. Sunken eyes, and hollowed cheeks hide behind a partially groomed beard. His suit hangs awkwardly off his frame. None of it makes a difference to him. There is noone there to impress, no reason to try. Harvey takes the pen nestled next to his wallet, reaches up to the calendar that hangs next to his mirror and crosses off another day. He knows there are still more blank days left then crossed out ones, but he has to do something. He allows himself a moment to wonder about Mike, silently hoping that someone is protecting him, _doing the one job he himself couldn't_. Harvey grabs his keys, pointedly ignoring the blinking red light that continues to flare like a beacon. Except, Harvey knows that light doesn't signal safety, but a pathway to the past he destroyed and a future he will never have because he never tried.

Harvey drives to the office in his own car. There is no music; since that day every note sounds flat. Silence has become his favorite melody as he goes through the motions. He shows up, works hour upon hour peppering his mind with various thoughts of precedents, appeals and second chances. The sun rises and sets through the windows of his office. Harvey rationalizes it’s better than being in his empty shell of a home even if no one talks to him. Jessica and Louis avoid his presence, and Donna holds a silent vigil outside his door. Amazingly enough he is okay with all of it. Each day is a walk along the plank to his own destiny; one he wishes for secretly and prays for nightly to end.

***

It's been two months and Harvey is once again sitting alone in his office, not doing much of anything. The sun has set and he is reading by the soft glow of a lamp.

“Go home,” her voice comes.

“I will, I am almost done,” he answers.

“Bullshit. I know you haven't left this office in weeks unless it was to grab more clothes and pick up mail.”

He looks up then and sees the face of his friend, the woman who once saved him. It would seem she has come to try to repeat the favor.

“Jessica…”

“It's time, Harvey. It's past time. What’s done is done. And you can't go back, you can only move forward.”

She looks at him with eyes that he knows have seen more pain than they should have. He knows his own eyes look the same. He wants to argue, wants to find any reason not to go home, not to face the truth that lies at the bottom of this spiral. But there isn't one. All that is left is for him is to accept his new reality; a reality without Mike. He gets up from his chair and starts walking towards her, stopping when he is merely inches away.

“I don't think I can do this,” he whispers.

“I know you can.” She places her hand on his arm in comfort.

“Caring makes you weak.”

“So you have told me. But you know what I believe?" She pauses briefly, waiting until His eyes lock with hers. "I believe that love, real love can make you strong. So how strong are you, Harvey?” Jessica asks, a small smile growing across her face. He waits a minute, trying to find the strength to answer.

 _“Get busy living, or get busy dying.”_   Mike’s last words ring through the fog in his brain.

Harvey looks up and takes a deep breath, firming up his resolve. “Stronger than he knows,” he answers, walking out the door and leaving her alone in his office.

Half an hour later Harvey enters his condo and walks to the kitchen. He can't remember the last time he had a decent meal. He briefly thinks about ordering a pizza, but just like every other moment that reminds him of Mike, a wave of sorrow washes over him. He refuses to give in, to have it stop him from taking the next step. Harvey sees the red light; it’s persistent, waiting, ominous even. Harvey knows Mike’s voice waits for him on the other side of that light. Mike told him so during that last night. It was a strange thing for Mike to do. He could have easily called his cell. But that night he called his home phone and left a voicemail on his answering machine; a relic out of time in today’s world. Maybe Mike had known that the day would come when Harvey would need this, his voice, like a twisted lullaby to this nightmare. Harvey pushes the ‘play’ button, then braces himself. The red light blinks once, then the condo erupts in sound.

_You’ve reached Harvey Specter. If you have anything of importance to say, leave a message after the beep._

He hears three messages from Donna, all full of worry and concern. Next comes a threat from Jessica to get his ass in gear. Harvey smiles at that one. There is even a message from Louis; although it sounds more like muffled crying. After a brief pause, Mike’s voice fills the room.

_Harvey? Harvey are you there? Look, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I need to talk to you. I know you are angry I took the deal. But, I need … I just...I just need to see you. I’m on my way over._

Click.

Harvey grits his teeth, his eyes stinging with unshed tears. The message ends. He knows the next step is the right thing to do. The boy that walked into his interview all those years ago is gone. What Harvey doesn't know is what kind of man Mike will be upon his release. Not that it matters. Harvey loves him and nothing can change that. The only thing that matters now, that has ever mattered is having him by his side. And come hell or high water, he plans on being there when Mike returns. It's time to accept the past and move towards a new future. He reaches out and pushes the erase button; the red light winks out.

 


	2. Epilogue

Six months later

Harvey wakes one morning stumbling into the kitchen in search of his morning cup of courage. On his way there, he sees something out of the corner of his eye beneath the front door. It's a letter. Curious, he grabs it and heads back into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee. The envelope has no stamp on it, no return address, but he recognizes the looping scrawl that spells out his name.

_Harvey,_  
_I have so many things I need to tell you, but I don't think I can do it face to face. Mike writes to me occasionally. The first few letters were long, laced with apologies and declarations of love. Though lately they are filled with questions; filled with the need for connection. He asks about the firm, the senior partners, but mostly he asks about you. He tells me he has thought about reaching out to you but he is scared, ashamed. He worries about you. He is afraid, afraid of hearing the disappointment in your voice, or of seeing it on your face. With each letter it has become more apparent that he is more concerned with you than he is about “us”. But the truth is there is no “us”; there never was._

_I now know why Mike did what he did. I couldn't understand it at first. Not even when I was standing there, for all intents and purposes, left at the altar. But looking back, I can see all things so clearly now. All those moments from the beginning to the very end, it's always been you and him. “We” ended up here because he was choosing you. He always chose you. I hope the rumors I hear about you are no longer true; that you have found a way to move forward past all this. I am trying to do that, too. I am going to pursue my dream. Stanford is still willing to take me, and I am now ready to go. I have learned so many lessons from you. But I think the greatest lesson you ever taught me had nothing to do with the law. Instead, it was about love._

_Go see him, Harvey; write to him. He’s waiting for you._

_Love,_  
_Rachel_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to find a way, a glimmer of something for Harvey to hold on to while he waits for Mike's return. Okay who am I kidding, it was for me too. Season five destroyed me, I have survived by consuming fluff and smut and plain out denial. Season six starts soon. Wish me luck! 
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr. I'm [sairyn-noc](http://sairyn-noc.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Written for Marveyfic Challenges: Lullaby
> 
> Thanks Aqua for the beta!!


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